Stepping Heavenward

"Stepping Heavenward"- I just love that phrase. It is the title of a book I stumbled upon years ago when I worked at a Christian bookstore. For all of us that serve Christ, this should be our destination and our aim. It implies that it requires determination and purposefulness; it is not merely an accident. The very act of stepping involves choosing the correct path. All roads do not point to heaven! The Bible is clear about that. And for those that desire some rewards when we reach that loveliest of all destinations, stepping heavenward requires that we seek God every day, nay, more than that. God must fill us. His perfect will, I am learning, is so worth seeking. May my own will fall by the wayside.

Here is a quote from the book (which, I have to add, is really more for women) that captivated me once I read it. It has become so much more than words written on a page, but an action that I commit to doing each day.

"Cheerfully and gratefully I lay myself and all I am or own at the feet of Him who redeemed me with His precious blood, engaging to follow Him, bearing the cross He lays upon me. This is the least I can do, and I do it while my heart lies broken and bleeding at His feet."

Stepping Heavenward: One Woman's Journey to Godliness, Elizabeth Prentiss

Resurrection

I have decided to resurrect this poor old blog. It has been much neglected by me. Its purpose was, at one time, to keep family and friends updated about my life in the Czech Republic. Having been home now for two years, that is obviously no longer the case. Instead of a diary of sorts of daily events, I would like it to use to share what God is teaching me, which as of late, has been much. Feel free to pull up a cozy chair, and join me on my journey!

Sweet Sacrifice

I am happy to find that others who have gone before me have put to words the beauty, the power, and the pain that reflects my own heart's cry. This is what I feel today.

"Trust me, I have not earned your dear rebuke,-
I love, as you would have me, God the most;
Would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,
Nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look,
Unready to forego what I forsook;
This say I, having counted up the cost,
This, though I be the feeblest of God's host,
The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with His crook.
Yet while I love my God the most, I deem
That I can never love you over-much;
I love Him more, so let me love you too;
Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such
I cannot love you if I love not Him,
I cannot love Him, if I love not you."

~Christina Rossetti

Rediscovering

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours
I know now, You're my only hope.

Ever since I came home 3 1/2 months ago, I've been feeling rather displaced. Letting go of my old life has not been an easy task, and I find it is a continual process.

A friend of mine, still living overseas, asked me yesterday if I was happy. Simple question, difficult to answer. My time overseas, especially near the end, was filled with passion, joy, and love, in such intensities that I had never experienced before. Coming back home caused me to feel like a bird who suddenly lost the ability to fly- I felt stifled, restricted, and saddened by the many great losses which resulted from the move back to the US.

I had at first thought that having a teaching job was the answer, and that once the job was lined up, everything else would fall into place. I should have known, especially after living overseas, to not have such high expectations, because often what I want or think isn't very close to reality. I did land my "dream job" so to speak, and in that sense, there is no place I'd rather be. I am teaching at the school I wanted, teaching the subjects I like, and I work with such great people that I really can't imagine working anywhere else. It definitely has helped with my overall adjustment, giving me a sense of purpose and focus.

But this doesn't mean I don't struggle. It is hard not to compare my new life with the old, try as I may not to, knowing full well how useless it is. God designs and shapes my life, and as I believe I have followed in His footsteps, I don't like it when I am discontent. It seems that as Prague and my former students slip further away from me, I miss it, and I miss them, more.

This is not to say I don't like where I am at. I know a blessing when I see one, and God has truly wrapped my current job in a box with a big red bow. But my heart longs for the place I had once called home, for a short time at least, and the little darlings that blessed my life in so many ways.

God knows, and He sends those little blessings which brighten my day. One of my 9th grade literature classes has actually taken to following the Czech classroom custom of standing at the teacher's presence. Even though I am already in the room, I walk out quickly and come back in, and then they wait for my word before they sit down. I am sure they will get bored with this very soon, but it is a delight for me, and truth be told, it almost makes me cry. It is not because they are standing at my presence, but it is because it is a little reminder of my students overseas, and it is their own willingness to practice a Czech custom that delights me.

It is treasures like these that make me smile. Yes, I long for Prague. I miss walking the city center after school, or spending an hour or two gliding down the Charles Bridge and winding my way up the castle stairs. I ache for my students who taught me more about love than I ever knew before- these precious lives that don't know God, and whose names I long to be written in the Book of Life.

I could go on with the things that I miss. There are far too many. I ache, and I long, and I yearn, and the majority of the people around me do not understand this heartfelt attachment to a faraway land.

I am not sure if God will ever call me overseas again. But as always, I choose to live my life in complete surrender, holding both hands wide open, saying, "Wherever you go, I will go" (Ruth 1:16). He is my captain and my guide.

I give You my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want Your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours I pray, to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

“This then is Prague, my city and my love,
my hope and armour, pledge against defeat:
a heart that should have stopped a hundred times,
yet beats, and beats, and beats with fevered heat.” ~Jaroslav Seifert

I stood on a long line in the Prague airport, my cart loaded with heavy suitcases in front of me. I felt… a mixture of emotions, strong and powerful. Joy was not one of them. The line crept slowly, very slowly, almost symbolic of my own reluctance of leaving a land that I love... then, I turned and saw the only thing which could bring a smile to my face at such a moment- the bright blonde head of my precious, darling Adam approaching, and five more students with him: Anna, Ondrej, Lukas, Radka, and Matej. They had come, at 5:30 in the morning, to see me one last time before I went home. I was too sad to be bubbly and social, but I kept looking at their faces, and I knew that I couldn’t possibly love them anymore than I already did.

If I lived to be 182 years old, the memory of their faces would still be as clear to me as it was in reality. I could not have asked for anything more. Not only was it such a comfort having them there, but they were a huge help to me, even helping me rearrange my overweight luggage. Adam lifted my enormous suitcases for me; Anna held on to my important documents. If I could have put them in my suitcases and brought them home with me instead of the rest of my stuff, I would have been more then happy to do so.

The last couple of weeks in Prague were wonderful and painful at the same time. Truth be told, if I could have changed my decision about not returning, I probably would have done so. It seemed that everyone said goodbye to me… even the school secretaries, who I couldn’t even speak to all year, kissed me goodbye! My boys, John and Tom, bought me a beautiful book of Prague photos as a going away gift. “Something to remember us by,” they said. As if I could forget them! Even if I had amnesia, I would still remember the great “loves” of my life. Marketa, my 18-year old student who turned out to be a very close friend, spent some time with me before I left, and I consider her one of the dearest girlfriends of my life. My colleague and office-mate, Alena, and I, both cried when we parted.

I hugged each one of my students goodbye in that sad airport, but the last person I hugged goodbye was Adam. I thought that was only fitting. Adam is like no other 18-year old boy I know. Though he may be wildly creative and enthusiastically energetic, the thing I cherish most about him is that he is full of love, and he gives love away as simply and easily as if it were candy. I have poured myself out this year; I have given my heart away over and over again, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. Adam has always given back. I will miss his little “surprises”, his little affectionate deeds that he did during the day that not only made me laugh, but made me feel so special. This little guy, my blonde boy, has taught me so much about love, because he has more to give than most people I know.

I hugged and kissed my sweet Adam, and passed through the gate, and turned to gaze once more on those darling faces. No award-winning speeches or words came to my mind just then, all I could say was, “Love you guys.” I walked away, thinking to myself that no one could have desired a better goodbye than I had received.

I remained strong through my flight home. But after I landed in Newark and retrieved my luggage, exhausted and travel weary, I passed through the revolving doors of the airport and stepped onto Jersey soil, and finally I burst into tears. I cried because I realized I was their teacher no more, and those students that I had given my heart to were now so far away.

I thought, that after being in a foreign country for a year, that I would be so ready to come home, satisfied with the completion of a challenging task. Returning home is nothing like I imagined it a year ago. I don’t feel satisfied that hard work is done; rather, I yearn for more ways to pour myself into people and continue loving the way God designed me to love others; softly and wildly, tenderly and fiercely.

And even though I have somewhat regretted my decision to come home and not stay in Prague, I have to trust that my Maker is guiding this little girl and her big heart onto some other new and exciting adventure.

Adam and I at the airport. This is the second straw hat he has made me wear, but truth be told, I love it. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

Tom and I: Tom is one-half of the amazing John & Tom duo. They are two of my oldest students who have become really good friends.

Marketa: my student/best friend/sister- she's everything really!

The Saddest Word I've Ever Heard

One of my more difficult classes this year has been my 3D. They are a lot of loud boys who are sarcastic, speak their mind, and can never seem to settle down in the course of a 45-minute lesson. One of the boys even came up to me for a private word earlier in the year and said very bluntly, "We're bored." I didn't think it was possible to ever win them over.

I tried to make the lessons a little more interesting for them, and I tried to change the way I viewed them. Instead of looking at them as restless boys incapable of respecting me, I began to see them for who they really were. They are simply boys with a lot of energy, and they have proven themselves to be very creative when given the opportunity. Slowly, I began to see that they didn't disrespect me- they were merely being what they are- teenaged boys.

My last assignment of the year was to create a play and act it out in class. Today they surprised me by their enthusiasm for the project. They acted out some scenes from, "The Wizard of Oz" and dressed according to their roles. Songs from the movie version were replaced with raps instead, and overall it was very amusing.

I wasn't prepared for what came next. After it was all over, Marek handed me a copy of their play, the movie "The Wizard of Oz", and a bottle of champagne, and Jakub said, "Thank you for teaching us this year." And then they started clapping.

I wish I had had some eloquent speech prepared. But truth be told, I am awful with "Goodbye". I almost started to cry. I think my face formed some sort of expression which indicated deep sadness, and all I could say was, "It was a pleasure teaching you." Jakub responded sarcastically, knowing they were bad, and said, "Yeah, sure!" And I said, "No, it was."

"Goodbye" is the saddest word ever spoken or written. There is so much pain in it, so much longing, and perhaps, disappointment over never-realized dreams.

Love Letter

I recently wrote one of my classes a goodbye letter. I have had 17 classes this year, and they have all had such different personalities, and it would be impossible to truly connect with all of them. However, some I became closer to than others. 3A is the class that I bonded with the most, and even though I came here to teach, they are the ones that have taught me. They have given me many lessons in love this year, they have taught me how to enjoy the most commonplace activities, and dare I say, I think they have helped loosen up this tightly-wound girl (just a little!) Here is the letter I wrote them:

My Precious 3A,

I want to leave you something to remember me by, and since I enjoy writing, I thought that leaving you my words was the best gift I could give. Each time I write something, whether it is a letter to a friend or a page in my own personal journal, I pour my heart into it, and this is no different.

I am sometimes asked by colleagues and students why I came to the Czech Republic. The first reason is a very practical one: I knew there was a need for native English speakers to teach overseas, and having majored in English, I thought perhaps I could help fulfill that need. The second reason is that I love people, and I really looked forward to getting to know my students before I ever even arrived here. The third reason, which really is the first, is that I believe God called me here. I know many of you may not believe in God, and I have no wish to offend you, but if I didn’t tell you that it was God who brought me here, I wouldn’t be telling you the whole story.

It wasn’t easy for me to leave home. Remember the poem, “The Road Not Taken,” which we talked about in class? When I made the decision to come here, I felt like two paths were staring me in the face: one was the easy path, which was staying at home where it was safe, and the other was the more difficult path, the path that was less traveled, and therefore, “wanted wear”. This path was much scarier, because I didn’t know anything about living in a foreign country. I had many fears before I ever even got onto the airplane, and overcoming those fears was not an easy thing, and it was something I was only able to do with God.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by…” In the end, I knew I didn’t really want the easy path, because I knew it wouldn’t challenge me, and consequently, it would never satisfy. Leaving the comforts of home and the things that were familiar to me perhaps was difficult, but it was well worth it, because I was able to come here and meet all of you.

You have been such a joy to me. The good times we have shared in class together are priceless memories that I will carry with me my whole life. I am still laughing over your brilliant political parties, plays, advertisements, etc. You have made teaching so much fun! When I gave you assignments, you always went above and beyond what I asked you to do, and I found myself delightfully shocked by your display of creativity and intelligence over and over again. Out of all of my classes this year, you are the class that I have bonded with the most, and therefore, it is very hard to leave you.

“And that has made all the difference.” I am quite content with the path I chose, and I am going home with a heart that is deeper and wider than when I left… and in my heart is a place for all of you. Please believe me when I say that I will never forget you, and in the months ahead I will be reaching through my memories to see your smiles and hear your laughter once again.

Your last assignment this: e-mail me in the months ahead and let me know how you are doing! I also have one more thing to ask of you. I don’t know what your beliefs are about God, but I encourage you not to close yourself off completely to Him. Even if you are open just a little bit, it is enough for Him to show you how real He is.

I will continue to think of you and pray for you often.

Love always,

Courtney Scianna

I received a response via text message from one of my students, Marketa, who has become a very dear friend to me. This is what she said:

Dear Courtney,
I thank you deeply and from my whole heart for your beautiful letter. I know the feeling when you have to leave your beloved. I want you to know that you are a special and precious person to me and I can feel how big influence people have on each other and believe me the door is always opened for you. I'm thankful for your prayers and for your heart you've offered us... :)

With love,
your Marketa

Almost Over

One minute I’m strolling through castles, the next I am canoeing down rivers, and still after that I am picnicking with students. My life is full to overflowing these days, with more adventures than some people know in a lifetime, and all of the love my heart can hold.

My fellow teachers and I recently attended our last official meeting together, and it was an intense time for me. After taking communion together, praying, and singing worship songs, I finally was able to cry. It was one of those sobs that came from deep within, like my spirit just burst open and whatever was inside desperately made its way out. Forgive me for the drama. I feel things more intently than the average person. I cried because of THEM, those precious hearts that I love so much, those faces I have already begun saying goodbye to, those smiles I do not know when I shall see again. I cried because I will no longer be a part of their lives, and that saddens me more than I can say.

But life is always moving, my friends, and the things that sadden us today don’t have to tomorrow. As I sat with my favorite class during the picnic that they made for me, I started to get emotional. But I said out loud to them, “No. No sadness today. Today I am just going to enjoy you.” And I did.

This past weekend I went canoeing with my friends in Cesky Krumlov, and when I tell you that this is the most romantic town I’ve ever seen, you will know I am not exaggerating. It was my first-ever time canoeing, and I was pretty proud of myself. I found that I could endure more physically than I thought I could.

I leave Prague two weeks from this Friday. It’s so strange. I used to try to imagine what I would feel like at this time- a year’s worth of hard work just about done, and the view of home in sight. I thought I’d be so impatient for it to be over… but I was wrong. There’s something about this place. When you come here and stay a while, it just becomes a part of you, and leaving is not something you are looking forward to; it’s just something you accept.

ESI Czech Republic team 2005-2006. Notice the random little boy at the far right. He is not associated with us in any way. I guess he wanted to join our photo!

This picture is out of order chronologically- this was during the canoe trip. Phoebe, me, Sarah, and Laura.

Picnicking with 3A. They told me about the picnic beforehand, but I thought being teenagers, they might forget, so I was sure to bring homemade cookies. But not to worry! They came equipped with champagne, strawberries, chips, and other yummies.

I think this picture is so funny. It looks sketchy, but if you knew Adam, you'd know that he is just crazy.

My favorite class on our last day together, 3A. My boys, Adam and Ondrej insisted on picking me up though I tried to protest, and threw a straw hat on me to boot.

Cesky Krumlov. This is only a small part of its charm and romantic beauty.

My friend Karen and I canoeing down the Vltava River. I'm thinking of trying out for the Olympic team.